Wednesday, December 28, 2005

 

I'm Unemployable

I have an upper-second class honours degree. I have 4 A-Levels. I have 11 GCSEs. I am not a criminal. I am honest. I did not miss a day of school.

But I tell you what we'll forget all that because I am not outgoing or bubbly.

Bollocks.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

 

Male Primary School Teachers

I always thought it was a bit harsh that all male primary school teachers were labelled 'gay.' What they should have been labelled is 'patronising pompous gits, with no right to be so.' I bet you all at some point encountered this scenario...

Little Billy Jenkins: "Can I go to the toilet, sir?"
Mr. Faggot: "You can, but you may not."

A smug look follows from Mr. Faggot, whilst Jenkins pisses himself, and goes on to encounter a life of reminiscent stories about the time he pissed himself at primary school.

A similar scenario crops up in high school also, when the French teacher makes you ask for a new book speaking in French. The easiest way of getting out of doing any work during your scholarship surely.

Is it really any wonder whenever we go to France all we can say is "UNO BAGUETTE PLEASE FROGGIE," followed by a snigger aimed towards the nearest tattoo-sporting carpet carrier from Islington?

 

Tuba Electrica Should Tour

Having seen Alan Fletcher (Karl Kennedy from Neighbours) perform with his band Waiting Room in Great British pubs with success, surely Tuba Electrica should do a tour. If you don't remember who Tuba Electrica are, it is Harold Bishop and his adopted son Paul McClain. Harold (in his 60s) on tuba, and Paul (early 20s) on electric guitar. Tadpole Rebecchi could DJ.

Friday, December 09, 2005

 

Toilet Politics

Last night I went to the toilet in a busy city centre pub. I was desperate, and had been for the previous 5 minutes. I finally got the opportunity to go have a leak, and low and behold, I get to the toilets and find only half a space in the urinals. There is a 2-3 man queue behind me. Dilemma! Do I go squeeze in, possibly batting another man's fella with my python, or do I wait patiently and risk being thought of as a cunt for not going into the 'space' by the people behind me?

I'll tell you what I did. I squeezed into the half-space, and then couldn't pee under pressure, and managed to get lapped twice including, to my dismay, by my mate who had sneaked in unnoticed.

 

The Birth Of My Blogging Career

Well at last I've joined the cool kids, and started a blog. Obviously, my mind turns to the eighth track on Oasis' fourth studio album at this point (Where Did It All Go Wrong? is the song by the way, because I know you won't go look it up.)

My name isn't Andrew Andrews, but I needed a false name so if Georgina 'love of my life' Jarrett ever googles my real name, she won't see that I have become a blogger. Georgina Jarrett isn't a real name either, because the girl in question could well google her own name, find this blog, and put two and two together. OK, there is no girl at all, I just don't want anyone anywhere knowing I write stuff on the internet.

I thank you.

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